*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
do u think theres a butter planet?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.