They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I’M CRYINGGG
Never go to sleep after making me angry
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.