Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.