Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The asteroid..
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?