Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]