Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.