[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
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Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.