H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!