Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.