Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*