.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality