As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
You Might Also Like
#TopTip
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I’m listening
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny