This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
You Might Also Like
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!