*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”