When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
You Might Also Like
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
when you don’t want to be too vague
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.