Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.