All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.