If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
The honesty is refreshing
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
normalize having existential bread
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It