I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.