If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Children of the corn 🌽
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I saw this ending much differently.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
What the dentist sees
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome