Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
You Might Also Like
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.