” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage