bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.