My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Fight
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
What about second breakfast?