I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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I love you to the refrigerator and back
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Holy crap this is wonderful
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*