Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers