Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
my first day as a raccoon
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée