I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Every house has this drawer
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.