[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.