[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing