I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
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Schr枚dinger: Happy anniversary!
Schr枚dinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schr枚dinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I鈥檝e already told you everything you need to know
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn鈥檛 stop worrying about it. I don鈥檛 know how pirates do it.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
馃檨
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He鈥檚 smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”