My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.