Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock