Bike is short for Bichael.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If only.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car