You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing