I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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Mornin
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I don’t think my car can fly
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Bootstraps
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….