JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Stop it! 😂
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites