[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed