[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Did I do this right
Finally!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
one last job
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.