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Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers