There is no try. There is only give up.
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.