Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
waiting for halloween be like:
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Britain be like
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”