“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
my dad has had enough
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?