“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You Might Also Like
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Velcrow
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.