1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Come back with a warrant
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.