I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…