[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
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Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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