*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.