Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.