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Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up